IMPORTANT PEOPLE

Sometimes it's difficult to tell who the IMPORTANT PEOPLE are.   It is crucial to be able to spot  IMPORTANT PEOPLE, so you can spit out your gum, sit up straight, smooth your hair and stash your National Enquirer when they stride by.

Here are three key characteristics of IMPORTANT PEOPLE: 

First--IMPORTANT PEOPLE are always in a hurry.  Their time is valuable, so they can't waste it standing in line, holding doors or talking to unimportant people.  They aren't rude; they're IMPORTANT!

Second--IMPORTANT PEOPLE are always holding a clipboard.  I'm not sure what is on it--maybe the phone number of the local Dunkin DoNuts?




 

Third--IMPORTANT PEOPLE carry pagers.  They need to be accessible all the time, so they carry multiple pagers with duplicating functions.  The more pagers they carry, the more IMPORTANT a person is!  If your pants sag indecently from the weight of all your pagers, you are VERY IMPORTANT!  

Santa Incarnate

Sometimes I wonder--what if Santa's life had turned out differently?  What if, instead of being Jolly Old Saint Nick who brings toys on Christmas Eve, Santa had taken a different path entirely?



Hippie Santa

Wall Street Santa

PLUMBER SANTA

Farmer Santa

ARMY SANTA

Stripper Santa

Evangelist Santa

RaPpeR SaNtA

It makes you wonder what other possibilities your own life might have held...

Doggone Humans

Many people think dog behavior is strange.  But human behavior would probably seem strange to a dog.  To illustrate this, let's transpose some common human and dog behaviors:

Meet and Greet 

Establishing Dominance
 

Marking Territory

Maybe dog behavior is not so strange after all.

Holiday Hints

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Hospital Fairies

Hospitals are inhabited by many fairies.  Here are some of the more common ones:

Cleaning Fairy

Whenever equipment gets thrown into the Soiled Utility Room, the Cleaning Fairy appears.  Everything is magically cleaned and put back into its proper place! 

Trash Fairy and Dirty Linen Fairy

 

These two fairies are often seen together.  When the trash is overflowing and the linen bags are exploding, the Trash Fairy and Dirty Linen Fairy appear!  Poof!! The room looks presentable again!

Label Fairy

When nurses don't understand that the backing on the green  IV tubing labels is supposed to be PEELED OFF before it is wrapped around the IV tubing, the Label Fairy appears.  You will find her squashed underfoot on the floor near the IV pole.

Poopee Fairy

There is a special incantation that brings about the Poopee Fairy.  If the offgoing nurse says, "Well, they were clean the last time I checked them," the Poopee Fairy swoops in! 

ICU Centerfold

The public has a lot of misconceptions about healthcare.  I've decided the best way to educate people about what "doing everything" really means is for me to start my own magazine.  It will be stocked in the supermarket checkout line next to the glossy covers announcing sex scandals and pregnancy rumors. 

My magazine will have articles, graphs, statistics and data that no one ever reads--BUT, it will also have a centerfold!  Just like Playboy and Penthouse!

 Except my centerfold will have to fold out the other way...

America loves pictures!  Maybe it will make someone think twice...

Or, maybe not.  The human capacity for denial is amazing.

Relationship Timeline

Men and women view relationships differently.  I asked a male co-worker recently if he was in a serious relationship.  

He said, "Define serious."  

It is pretty tough to define. 

After much deliberation, I came up with timelines to show how relationships progress from first meeting to total intimacy. 

Nurse's Note: Each sex has its own timeline.  Sometimes the timelines converge, sometimes they part abruptly.

Day 0

Day 3

Around this point, the timelines diverge...

They continue to run separately...

...merging occasionally. 

The timeline splits again...

...but rejoins at the toilet. 

That's the answer.  If you can use the toilet in front of someone, it's definitely a serious relationship. 

Ballot Ballad

Politics are a divisive topic.  People argue as if anyone who disagrees with their position must have extensive brain damage.  But, the choices are not that clear.  That's why there are two parties and so much campaigning.  Rarely is either candidate completely illiterate, a nudist or a bank robber.  They are usually toilet-trained, have had their shots and can add some double-digit numbers. 

It is unlikely that you will see the following ballot: