Forbidden Language in the ICU

Last night, a fellow ICU nurse referred to his genitalia as his, "Wee Wee".  I am pretty far from being a prude, but there are some words that ICU staff just cannot use. 

Here are a few of them:

Now that we are responsible for people's lives, let's use our big boy and girl words.  I'd rather hear, "Dammit!  There is shit all over the bed!  AGAIN!"

Topekanese

I work with nurses from many foreign lands, like Nigeria, Ukraine, Mexico, India, Sierra Leone and Topeka. 

The nurse from Topeka is graceful and athletic, with glowing skin and very white teeth.  She looks like a ballerina who took a wrong turn after rehearsing Swan Lake and ended up staffing in the ICU.

They do speak English in Topeka, but it's a dialect I am not very familiar with.  The dialect--Topekanese--contains some strong phrases that seem incongruous coming out of this young woman's mouth.

When she hears about a challenging admission, she remarks cheerfully,"That sounds like a shit show!"

If a co-worker comes in unshaven, she says, "What's with the trash 'stache?"

If she hears something that sounds like mendacity, she says, "He pulled that straight out of his asshole."

If someone says something unkind, she says, "I'm really butt hurt about that."

I thought I might get me a hernia from laughing so hard.   In an attempt to understand her culture better,  I did some research on her native land. 

Topeka is located in the middle area of the United States of America.  It's somewhere between New York and San Francisco, Austin and Minneapolis.  It is south of Chicago, but north of Miami.  It is east of Phoenix but west of Atlanta.  It is closer to Denver than it is to Portland.

The state dog of Topeka is the Topekingese.

The state bird is the Topeking duck.

The state flower is the Topekawinkle.

Now, we all know more about the great state of Topeka!

Back Rub Etiquette

I enjoy back rubs, but sometimes when a co-worker is massaging my back, I start to wonder--where are the boundaries on a woman's back?  How far around the side and down the front is permissible?  Lower than the collar bone?  Farther around than the mid-axillary line?  Or the phlebostatic axis?

To clarify this puzzling issue, I came up with a chart to illustrate the DANGER ZONES  not to be breached in back rubs:

DANGER!!

Side View (Left)

DANGER!!

Rear View

DANGER!!

Front View

I asked my husband what he thought the perimeters should be when a guy rubs my back.

 

He touched the very center of my back and said, "Right there.  That's the limit."

I think he's anti-research.

Peer Parking

Last week I met a friend for lunch at her workplace.  She does research in a huge science laboratory supported financially by a private endowment.  The building takes up several city blocks and is full of sculptures, paintings and fountains.

I managed to find the parking garage,  but then I realized that a badge was necessary to park on certain levels.  Signs were up directing traffic to the appropriate area.

I knew where I needed to go.

Playing Telephone

Last night I called a doctor about getting a drug ordered for my patient.  The day shift nurse had attempted to get the medication ordered but had no success.  After arguing with me for a few minutes, the physcian said, "Okay, fine!  She can have it, then!"

I said, "Great!  Are you going to put that order in?"

He said, "I, uhh--I'm not near a computer.  Can you do it?"

I said, "I'm not, either."

He said, "I'm placing a central line."

I said, "I'm coding a patient."

He said, "I'm resecting a brain tumor."

I said, "I'm fighting ninjas."

He said, "I'm performing open-heart surgery."

I said, "I'm taking off in the space shuttle."

I said, "Losing you...zzzzzzkk...can't hear...zzzzzkk...put in order....zzzzkk..."

All communication was lost then.  I guess he didn't understand, because he didn't put the order in. 

I waited an hour and paged the oncoming resident to put it in.

Reception is so sketchy out there in space.

English Lesson

I often hear my co-workers complain about patients who don't speak English.   But, I talk to nurses every day who don't speak English very well.

When studying a foreign language, you learn practical phrases like, "Where's the bathroom?" and, "Please give me two boiled eggs."  They never teach you how to say, "Did your great-aunt on your mother's side plant anemone along her back terrace?"

Here some common English phrases that need their usage clarified:

"Hi, how are you?"  (HY' hauw-r-u)  This is a commonly misunderstood phrase, commonly confused with, "I give a shit about your personal issues and I want to hear your woes."  That is an inaccurate translation.  "Hi, how are you?" means, "Hello".  The correct response in English is: "Fine!  How are you?"

"Well" (WE' ul')   If you have diarrhea of the glottis and you are rambling mindlessly on and the glassy-eyed person in front of you says, "Well"  it DOES NOT indicate agreement.   "Well," is actually a contraction.  The uncontracted version is: "When will he shut the hell up?"  

 "Huh" (HU')  "Huh" is Latin.  It means, "I heard you."  That's all it means.


Communication is a two-way street, though.  Lots of people don't know how to listen.  If a friend starts telling you about his wife cheating on him, his mother dying of cancer or his house being repossessed, do this:  sit still with your eyes fixed on him.  Nod occasionally.  Keep your mouth shut.  DO NOT offer any advice, criticism or comments.  Do not text, phone anyone or look around. 

See below.

Now, you're a great listener!

The Ivory Tower

Nursing has its very own Ivory Tower.  Staff nurses toil away in the Tower's shadow; missives come from high above to guide our nursing practice. 

At the top of the tower is one tiny peephole, which allows a few beams of sunlight in at 11:47 a.m. 

The rest of the time the Tower is in darkness.