The Mrs. Clause

Last year around Christmas I posted "Santa Incarnate", discussing what might have happened to Santa if his life had taken a different course.  I wanted to do the same thing for Mrs. Claus this year, but I discovered that not only does Mrs. Claus have no identity other than she's Santa's spouse, she doesn't even have a first name.

Nurse's Note:  I have conflicted feelings about women taking their husband's names when they get married.  It just feels like an antiquated tradition, like how slaves took their masters' last names.  In some cultures, women take their husbands' first AND last names.  The woman's name changes from, "Miss Mary Bernstein" to, "Mrs. Cecil Hughes".   Both her names disappear entirely.

So, I'm giving the woman known only as, "Mrs. Claus" a name.  I like the name, "Claudia".  If she ends up marrying Santa and changing her name, she'll be, "Claudia Claus".

Now that we have that out of the way, here's some of Claudia's possible life paths, if she had not married Santa and been relegated to the kitchen baking tree-shaped cookies.

Ice Skater Claudia

Veterinarian Claudia

Botanist Claudia

Mechanic Claudia

Scientist Claudia

Teacher Claudia

Supermodel Claudia

Artist Claudia

Oh, the possibilities life holds...

Daedalean Riddles

I love riddles!  A good riddle is like a maze of mirrors.  All the information you need is right there, but presented in such in a way that your brain is tricked.   The riddle seems impossible.  But when you hear the answer, it is obvious. 

Riddles play on our expectations, prejudices and stereotypes.  Studying riddles is a way to practice thinking "outside the box."

All answers are posted under "Riddle Revelations."


RIDDLE NUMBER ONE:

A man and his wife are driving down a dark country road late at night.  Their car runs out of gas.  The man gets out and tells his wife to keep the doors locked and the windows rolled up, he's going to walk back to the gas station 3 miles down the road.  The wife locks the doors and rolls up the windows.  The car is not a convertible.  The man walks down the road, gets gas and walks back.  When he approaches the car, he looks in the window and sees that his wife is dead in a pool of blood and there's a stranger in the car that he's never seen before.  The doors are still locked and the windows rolled up.  What happened?





RIDDLE NUMBER TWO:

A man sees two girls walking down the street.  They look exactly alike, so he asks them, "Are you twins?"  The girls laugh and say, "No, but we were born to the same mother and father on the same day of the same month of the same year."  How can this be?





RIDDLE NUMBER THREE:


A man and his son are involved in a terrible car accident.  The man is killed outright, and the little boy is badly injured.  The little boy is taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital for emergency surgery.  The surgeon  rushes into the room, looks at the little boy and says, "I can't operate on this child!  This is my son!"  How can this be?





RIDDLE NUMBER FOUR:


Once upon a time there was a little town called the Little Town of Night.  All the houses in the Little Town of Night are painted black.  The roads are black.  The fences are black.  The grass is black.  The flowers are black.  The mailboxes are black.  The Black Knight is dating the Black Princess who lives in the Little Town of Night.  So, the Black Knight rode his black stallion up to the black castle, dismounted and tied his black horse to the black tree with its black rein.  The Black Knight went inside and spent some time with the black princess.  Then, he walked down the black staircase, through the black door, over the black drawbridge to the black tree where his black horse was tied.  The black knight mounted his black horse and rode away.  Question:  The moon is not up.  There are no stars in the sky.  How did the Black Knight see his black horse tied to the black tree?  (no, the horse did not whinny to him)




RIDDLE NUMBER FIVE:


Tom and Susan and Jane and Jim all live in a house together.  One evening, Tom and Jane go out to eat dinner and see a movie.  When they come back home, they find Susan dead on the floor surrounded by water.  Tom and Jane don't call the police.  Jim is never questioned about any crime.  Why not? 







RIDDLE NUMBER SIX:

Mr. Simmons has five daughters.  Every one of his daughters has a brother.  How many children does Mr. Simmons have?




RIDDLE NUMBER SEVEN:


A man is running home.  Near home, he sees a man in a mask.  He turns around quickly and runs back to where he came from.  Why did he do that?




RIDDLE NUMBER EIGHT:


A woman is at her mother's funeral.  At the funeral, she meets a man.  She likes him a lot; she feels an immediate bond with him.  But, she neglects to get his phone number.  One week later, she kills her sister.  Why does she do this?


(I read somewhere that this is a classic psychopath test.  If you immediately see the answer, if it is as obvious as 2+2, you qualify as a psychopath.  If you are puzzled and start asking questions, you're not.)




RIDDLE NUMBER NINE:


 A blind beggar has a brother.  The blind beggar dies.  What was the relationship of the blind beggar to the brother?



RIDDLE NUMBER TEN:

Five rabbits are nibbling clover in a field.  A hunter shoots a rabbit.  How many rabbits are left in the field?



RIDDLE NUMBER ELEVEN:

You are trapped in a deep dark dungeon.  There are two doors in the dungeon.  One door leads to freedom and a pile of tax-free gold.  The other door leads to a terrible fire-breathing dragon who will devour you slowly, feet first.  You don't know which door is which. 

In the dungeon with you are two parrots.  The parrots each know where the doors lead.  One of the parrots can only tell lies.  The other can only tell the truth.   You don't know which parrot is which.

You are only allowed to ask one parrot one question.  What are you going to ask to get out of the dungeon alive?




RIDDLE NUMBER TWELVE:

A couple liked to go hiking.  One morning they set out from their camp and hiked one mile south.  Then, they turned and hiked one mile east.  Then, they turned and hiked one mile north, which put them back at their camp.  There was a bear in their camp!  What color was the bear?



RIDDLE NUMBER THIRTEEN:

Once there was a distant kingdom that was ruled by an insane king.  The king had twin sons that he had brought up to hate each other, now they were bitter enemies.  Each of the princes had grown up to be excellent horsemen and they both had stallions that they raced against neighboring horses.  One day, the king called to his sons and said, "In three days you will race each other.  Whoever's horse crosses the finish line last will inherit my kingdom."  The princes were confused.  How should they do this?  Each one of them just go slower and slower?  Finally, the court jester had pity on them and sang two words that solved the problem.  What were the two words?



RIDDLE NUMBER FOURTEEN:

The king also had a daughter, and she had fallen in love with the court jester.  The king was angry and hated the idea of his only daughter marrying a clown.  She had been promised to a distant prince since infancy!  But the princess begged until finally her father agreed to a contest.  He would put two slips of paper into a hat, one marked with a black X and one blank.  The jester would draw one piece of paper out in front of the entire court.  If the jester drew out the paper with the black X on it, he would be immediately beheaded.  If the jester drew out the blank paper, he would be allowed to marry the princess.

Now, although the jester was dressed in bells and motley, he was no fool.   He knew that the sadistic king would mark both slips of paper with a black X.  What did he do to avoid the sentence of death and marry his ladylove?



RIDDLE NUMBER FIFTEEN:

The jester and the princess were getting married!  But they didn't have any money and the evil king was going to throw them both out. The jester asked if there was anything they could do, and the king said spitefully, "Show me something that no man has ever seen before, and I will give your wife a handsome dowry."  What did the jester bring to show the king?



RIDDLE NUMBER SIXTEEN:

You are walking in the woods when you come upon a cabin.  You approach cautiously, peek in a window and see several dead people.  You immediately know how they died.   How did they die?



RIDDLE NUMBER SEVENTEEN:

A girl is told by her parents never to open the cellar door, or she will see something she was never meant to see.  One day when her parents are away, she does open the cellar door.  What does she see?



RIDDLE NUMBER EIGHTEEN:

A town in ancient Greece had a law that said that every man must be clean-shaven, but no man could shave himself.  There is only one barber in the town.  Who shaves the barber?



RIDDLE NUMBER NINETEEN:

A father is talking to his teenaged daughter.  He says, "You arrived very late and kept your mother and I waiting up anxiously all night until three in the morning!  We never want that to happen again!" 

The daughter said, "But, father, that CAN never happen again!"





RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY:

A man is looking at a picture.  He says, "Brothers and sisters, I have none, but that man's father is my father's son."  Who is in the picture?




RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-ONE:

You are on the first floor of a two story house.  There are three light switches on the wall.  One of the switches turns on a lightbulb in an upstairs bathroom.  You cannot see the light from any room downstairs.  How can you determine which switch turns on the light if you are only allowed one trip up the stairs? 



RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-TWO

There is a family living in a huge mansion in an expensive American city.  They don't pay rent, they don't own the house and none of their friends or family own the house.  How can they get away with this?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-THREE

The maker doesn't use it, the buyer doesn't want it and the user doesn't see it.  What is it?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-FOUR

In medieval times this bottomless container was made of silver and gold to hold flesh and bone.  What is it?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-FIVE

One night four men sat down to play,
They played all night to the break of day.
They played for gold and not for fun,
With separate scores for everyone.
They all rose richer, but then,
If none lost how could all win?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-SIX

A dozen royals gathered 'round,
Entertained by one who clowned.
Each king there had servants ten,
Though none of them were also men.
The lowest servant sometimes might,
Defeat the king in a fair fight.
A weapon stout,
A priceless jewel,
The beat of life,
A farmer's tool.

What is this?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-SEVEN

A widow woman has seven children.  Half of them are boys.  How is this possible?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-EIGHT

A woman in New York has married ten different men.  All of the men are alive and she has never divorced any of them, but she hasn't broken any laws.  How is this possible?

RIDDLE NUMBER TWENTY-NINE

The beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, the end of every place.

What is it?

RIDDLE NUMBER THIRTY

A rich man wants it, a poor man has it, if you eat it you will die, it is greater than God. 

What is it?

RIDDLE NUMBER THIRTY-ONE

In ancient Egypt a thief was caught in the act of stealing.  Wanting to appear merciful, the pharaoh told the thief that he could chose the manner of his death.  The thief was a very smart man and he said something so clever that the pharaoh let him go.  What method of death did he choose?

RIDDLE NUMBER 32

Jed Brown lives on a soybean farm with his wife. One night Jed calls Dr. Taft and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm afraid my wife has appendicitis! "
Dr. Taft responds, "Calm down, that's impossible.  I took out your wife's appendix three years ago."
Upon further examination it is discovered that Jeb's wife does have appendicitis.  How is this possible?

RIDDLE NUMBER 33

When interviewed, a Parisian stylist admits he would rather cut two brunettes' hair than one blonde's.   Why?

Horse History

Someone asked me recently how long I've been riding horses.  

Well--when I was young, I used to chase eohippus through the tropical rainforests of Wyoming...

Later, during the cooler Oligocene period, I pursued miohippus across the steppes.

When the ice shelf retreated, I started riding equus (still naked, you can see)

Sometimes with mixed results...

  I'm not sure how long it's been, but at least a few weeks...

Nurse's Note:  I didn't include any photographs of earlier epochs since the camera hadn't been invented.  The drawings of me with the primitive horses are from prehistoric cave paintings, though, so they're accurate...

The Holey Grail, a Shakespearean Tragedy

One Percent a Day for 100 Days

When our oldest daughter graduated with her PhD in molecular biology, she thanked everyone who had helped and inspired her.  She said:

"People ask how I have stayed focused and kept believing.  I tell them that when I was a child, my mom made us mow forty acres with a push mower.  The pastures were chin-high in ragweed, dock and lambs quarter, but she said we could do it, so every day my sisters and I were out there mowing, mowing, mowing.   

And the lawnmower only had three wheels!"

Early to Rise

I recently learned a bit more about the maxim, "Early to bed, early to rise" during a visit with my daughter in San Francisco.

My return flight was at 6:15 a.m.  Since the airport Gestapo demands an hour to harass, radiate and grope you, I needed to be at the airport by 5:15.  My son-in-law estimated that the drive to the airport would take about 45 minutes.  So, we needed to leave the flat at 4:30.  4:30!

I woke at 4:15 and crept blindly around in the dark, trying to pull on some clothes and find my luggage without waking anyone else.  

I stumbled down the stairwell's three flights.  At the bottom, my son-in-law unlocked the stairwell door. 

Just outside, a male prostitute said, "Wanna date?"

I blurted out, "IT'S 4:30 IN THE MORNING!"

Nurse's Note:  My answer might have been different if it had been 10:00   :)

What's in a Name?

I knew how to spell my older sister's name before I learned how to spell my own.

When we were growing up, playground introductions went something like this:

"Hi!  I'm Susan!"

 

"Hi!  I'm Cathy!" 

 

"Hi!  I'm Becky!" 

"Hi!  I'm Lisa!"

 

My sister would say, "Hi!  I'm Calina!"

"What?  WHAT'S your name?"

"Calina..."

"Colleen?"

"No...CALINA."

"Katrina?"

"Calina.  C-A-L-I-N-A.  Calina."

When I entered first grade, the teacher told us we were going to learn how to spell our names.

I stood up and announced that I ALREADY knew how to spell my name!  "C-A-L-I-N-A"!

 

She told me to sit down.

Nurse's Note:  Thus began my long Icarusian fall within the education system.

Smart VS Work Ethic

My cousin Kevin and I like to discuss weighty subjects.  One day we were debating what is the most important factor for success--intelligence or industry.  Is it better to have a high level of natural smarts or a strong work ethic?

Kevin used to live in Hawaii, where there is a large homeless population*.  Once, while he was standing in line at the library, there was a homeless woman standing in line in front of him.   Her clothes were filthy, people were holding their breath from her smell and Kevin glimpsed something crawling in her hairline.  

At the front of the line she asked, "Did that book by Solzhenitsyn come in?"

Now, both Kevin and I love to read, but neither of us have EVER read Solzhenitsyn.  Other than my husband--who's CrAzY--I don't personally know anyone who HAS read Solzhenitsyn.

So obviously the woman was extremely intelligent.  But, she was also homeless.

Kevin said, "Give me a good work ethic any day."

*Nurse's Note:  If you're gonna be homeless, where would you rather be?  Hawaii or Alaska?

The Good Life

Last night a nurse asked me why, in this day and age, all homosexuals aren't "out".

I debated bringing up religion or public scorn--but I thought about it and said, "Because of the myth of what is 'A Good Life'."

And I drew him an image of A Good Life  (actually a "Good Life" might require you to have more fingers, but my drawing skills are poor...)

Here it is:

Nurse's Note:  Same sex marriage banned in most states, abortion restricted and/or prohibited in many areas, United States money and Pledge of Allegiance both mention "God", most male infants circumcised to make their genitals look more appealing despite multiple medical studies showing no benefit in cutting a child's penis.


What constitutes a "Good Life" has changed throughout human history.  Let's look at the year 980, the Song Dynasty, China

Nurse's Note:  Husband has an opium pipe, first and second wives are used for slave labor, third, most expensive and favored wife had her feet broken and bound as a child for aesthetic reasons so she can barely stand, women cannot vote or control their reproduction.


 Mississippi, 1790

Nurse's Note:  Husband hoping for many sons, wife must have tightly corseted waist, women cannot vote or control their reproduction, interracial marriage prohibited, slaves imported from Africa.


American West, 1840

Nurse's Note:  Native Americans slaughtered and their property stolen.  Women unable to vote or control their reproductive processes, interracial marriage prohibited, homosexuality punishable by imprisonment.



Middle East,  2013

Nurse's Note:  Husband has many wives, some of them children.  Women forced to hide behind walls and clothing, unable to go to school, vote, control their reproduction, women's clitorises cut off, homosexuality punishable by death.

So, we know that our perception of what constitutes a "Good Life" changes.  We think that the way things are today is the way they have always been and will always be, because humans have natural myopia.  But, Octavia Butler says, "The only lasting truth is change." 

I predict that science will discover genetic causes of homosexuality. Then all the red-faced preachers with their obsessive fears and secret yearnings will have egg on their face.  I don't think being gay is a choice, and I don't know any intelligent people who do.   

When I was growing up there were no gay people in the world.  Not anywhere!  There were eccentric people like Paul Lind and Elton John and entertaining people like Liberace and Michael Jackson.  But "gay"?  It was unthinkable!

Now there are gay people all around me.  They are leading the way to make being out and openly gay "normal" (whatever THAT is).   Part of, "The Good Life". 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  Joseph Campbell

!!ALIEN INVASION!!

Recently, a patient watching a "science" channel told me we should all be preparing for an alien invasion.  

I asked him why.  He told me that there are billions of stars out there with life on them. 

I'm not sure about stars--they're awfully hot--but there's almost certainly life on other planets.  I've seen Carl Sagan do the math.  But that doesn't answer the question of why aliens would WANT to come to Earth.  The universe is so vast---what could an alien species want from Earth that they couldn't get closer and easier?  There are moons with seas of methane gas, asteroids made entirely out of diamond, and ice balls in the Oort cloud with enough water to fill a hundred thousand oceans.  Why come to Earth?

The patient said, "Maybe to make slaves of us."  

I thought that was pretty anthropomorphic, since humans have kept slaves everywhere they've ever existed (one out of every three people in the Roman Empire was a slave).  But any civilization advanced enough for space travel would find it easier and cheaper to make nano-robots than to come all the way here and make slaves out of us.  How would they feed us?  How would they "breathe" us?

He said, "Maybe to take our women."

Well, I guess that might be true.  Maybe the aliens are after our women.

 I guess we need to be careful.

Nurse's Note:  There are millions of animal species on the planet.  That's not including the plant, fungi, monera and protist kingdoms.  It's pretty arrogant to assume that an alien visitor would come all the way here just to steal a human female.

I Believe in the FDA

A fellow nurse told me recently that she only eats organic food.  This confused me--I thought ALL food was organic.  Doesn't "organic" mean that it was once alive?  Other than salt, I think that everything that humans CAN eat is organic. 

She also said that she doesn't eat genetically modified foods.  But--I thought that nearly everything Americans consume has been genetically modified.  See if you recognize any of these foods:

Granny Smith Apple

Idaho Potato

Holstein Cow

The reason that they are recognizable is because they have been genetically modified. 

 How about these non-food animals:

Dachshund Dog

Clydesdale Horse

Apples, potatoes, cows, dogs and horses should be as widely diverse as humans are and not recognizable as a "breed".  But genetic manipulation has selected for a few characteristics.  That can be good because it can keep the desirable traits.  But it also can be bad, because it can keep the undesirable traits, too.  This is genetic modification.

The same thing could be done with humans.  If we heavily line bred humans, they would be as easily recognizable as the dog breeds.

Here are a few of my proposed human breeds and some of their typical characteristics:

The Ernie:  Intelligent, creative, temperamental, can be difficult to house train, requires lots of attention and daily walks, late bloomer, needs a dominant owner, howls at the moon if lonely.

The Monque:  Quiet, can be highly strung at times, bonds tightly to one person, great voice, does best with steady routines, discipline with rolled-up newspaper if needed.

The Finny:  Friendly, outgoing, very social, great family pet, loves the outdoors, retrieves and fetches, will sniffs crotches and hump legs if bored.

The Peterie:  High energy, must be kept busy, not good with small children, easily distracted, will chew the furniture and pee on the carpet if frustrated, not recommended for police work.

Nurse's Note: the fashionable trend of eating "organic" food may be making some businesses rich, but it consumes more  time, energy and water and is not realistic to feed 7 billion people.

Nursing Pentathlon

The Olympic Committee is introducing a new event: the Nursing Pentathlon.  Five exciting tests will evaluate the fitness and readiness of nurses!  The nurse with the highest total score will win the gold!

The Nursing Pentathlon is traditionally completed with no breaks for food, drinks or toileting.  Here are the five events:

CT RACE

The nurse and respiratory therapist take an intubated patient on four drips down and through the CT scanner and back.  The first team to get the patient back to their room and reattached to all the monitors wins*!  

*patient must survive transport

FOLEY SHOT

The nurse must place a foley on an obese female--alone--while a judge watches and evaluates the sterile technique.

CHEST COMPRESSIONS

The nurse must do continuous chest compressions at a goal rate of 100 beats a minute for one hour while the physician explains repeatedly what the chances are for recovery to the family.

IV IQ

This test evaluates the nurse's ability to think critically.  You have a patient with a single lumen PICC* and a 22 gauge peripheral line.  How do you arrange the following drips to ensure compatibility and safety?

*anyone who puts in a single lumen PICC should be shot

CHARTING CHALLENGE

The final event in the Nursing Pentathlon is the Charting Challenge!!  Everything done up to this point must be charted on accurately.  No eating, drinking or bathroom breaks allowed!

Go for the gold!