IMPORTANT PEOPLE

Sometimes it's difficult to tell who the IMPORTANT PEOPLE are.   It is crucial to be able to spot  IMPORTANT PEOPLE, so you can spit out your gum, sit up straight, smooth your hair and stash your National Enquirer when they stride by.

Here are three key characteristics of IMPORTANT PEOPLE: 

First--IMPORTANT PEOPLE are always in a hurry.  Their time is valuable, so they can't waste it standing in line, holding doors or talking to unimportant people.  They aren't rude; they're IMPORTANT!

Second--IMPORTANT PEOPLE are always holding a clipboard.  I'm not sure what is on it--maybe the phone number of the local Dunkin DoNuts?




 

Third--IMPORTANT PEOPLE carry pagers.  They need to be accessible all the time, so they carry multiple pagers with duplicating functions.  The more pagers they carry, the more IMPORTANT a person is!  If your pants sag indecently from the weight of all your pagers, you are VERY IMPORTANT!  

Santa Incarnate

Sometimes I wonder--what if Santa's life had turned out differently?  What if, instead of being Jolly Old Saint Nick who brings toys on Christmas Eve, Santa had taken a different path entirely?



Hippie Santa

Wall Street Santa

PLUMBER SANTA

Farmer Santa

ARMY SANTA

Stripper Santa

Evangelist Santa

RaPpeR SaNtA

It makes you wonder what other possibilities your own life might have held...

Doggone Humans

Many people think dog behavior is strange.  But human behavior would probably seem strange to a dog.  To illustrate this, let's transpose some common human and dog behaviors:

Meet and Greet 

Establishing Dominance
 

Marking Territory

Maybe dog behavior is not so strange after all.

Holiday Hints

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Hospital Fairies

Hospitals are inhabited by many fairies.  Here are some of the more common ones:

Cleaning Fairy

Whenever equipment gets thrown into the Soiled Utility Room, the Cleaning Fairy appears.  Everything is magically cleaned and put back into its proper place! 

Trash Fairy and Dirty Linen Fairy

 

These two fairies are often seen together.  When the trash is overflowing and the linen bags are exploding, the Trash Fairy and Dirty Linen Fairy appear!  Poof!! The room looks presentable again!

Label Fairy

When nurses don't understand that the backing on the green  IV tubing labels is supposed to be PEELED OFF before it is wrapped around the IV tubing, the Label Fairy appears.  You will find her squashed underfoot on the floor near the IV pole.

Poopee Fairy

There is a special incantation that brings about the Poopee Fairy.  If the offgoing nurse says, "Well, they were clean the last time I checked them," the Poopee Fairy swoops in! 

ICU Centerfold

The public has a lot of misconceptions about healthcare.  I've decided the best way to educate people about what "doing everything" really means is for me to start my own magazine.  It will be stocked in the supermarket checkout line next to the glossy covers announcing sex scandals and pregnancy rumors. 

My magazine will have articles, graphs, statistics and data that no one ever reads--BUT, it will also have a centerfold!  Just like Playboy and Penthouse!

 Except my centerfold will have to fold out the other way...

America loves pictures!  Maybe it will make someone think twice...

Or, maybe not.  The human capacity for denial is amazing.

Relationship Timeline

Men and women view relationships differently.  I asked a male co-worker recently if he was in a serious relationship.  

He said, "Define serious."  

It is pretty tough to define. 

After much deliberation, I came up with timelines to show how relationships progress from first meeting to total intimacy. 

Nurse's Note: Each sex has its own timeline.  Sometimes the timelines converge, sometimes they part abruptly.

Day 0

Day 3

Around this point, the timelines diverge...

They continue to run separately...

...merging occasionally. 

The timeline splits again...

...but rejoins at the toilet. 

That's the answer.  If you can use the toilet in front of someone, it's definitely a serious relationship. 

Ballot Ballad

Politics are a divisive topic.  People argue as if anyone who disagrees with their position must have extensive brain damage.  But, the choices are not that clear.  That's why there are two parties and so much campaigning.  Rarely is either candidate completely illiterate, a nudist or a bank robber.  They are usually toilet-trained, have had their shots and can add some double-digit numbers. 

It is unlikely that you will see the following ballot:

Forbidden Language in the ICU

Last night, a fellow ICU nurse referred to his genitalia as his, "Wee Wee".  I am pretty far from being a prude, but there are some words that ICU staff just cannot use. 

Here are a few of them:

Now that we are responsible for people's lives, let's use our big boy and girl words.  I'd rather hear, "Dammit!  There is shit all over the bed!  AGAIN!"

Topekanese

I work with nurses from many foreign lands, like Nigeria, Ukraine, Mexico, India, Sierra Leone and Topeka. 

The nurse from Topeka is graceful and athletic, with glowing skin and very white teeth.  She looks like a ballerina who took a wrong turn after rehearsing Swan Lake and ended up staffing in the ICU.

They do speak English in Topeka, but it's a dialect I am not very familiar with.  The dialect--Topekanese--contains some strong phrases that seem incongruous coming out of this young woman's mouth.

When she hears about a challenging admission, she remarks cheerfully,"That sounds like a shit show!"

If a co-worker comes in unshaven, she says, "What's with the trash 'stache?"

If she hears something that sounds like mendacity, she says, "He pulled that straight out of his asshole."

If someone says something unkind, she says, "I'm really butt hurt about that."

I thought I might get me a hernia from laughing so hard.   In an attempt to understand her culture better,  I did some research on her native land. 

Topeka is located in the middle area of the United States of America.  It's somewhere between New York and San Francisco, Austin and Minneapolis.  It is south of Chicago, but north of Miami.  It is east of Phoenix but west of Atlanta.  It is closer to Denver than it is to Portland.

The state dog of Topeka is the Topekingese.

The state bird is the Topeking duck.

The state flower is the Topekawinkle.

Now, we all know more about the great state of Topeka!

Back Rub Etiquette

I enjoy back rubs, but sometimes when a co-worker is massaging my back, I start to wonder--where are the boundaries on a woman's back?  How far around the side and down the front is permissible?  Lower than the collar bone?  Farther around than the mid-axillary line?  Or the phlebostatic axis?

To clarify this puzzling issue, I came up with a chart to illustrate the DANGER ZONES  not to be breached in back rubs:

DANGER!!

Side View (Left)

DANGER!!

Rear View

DANGER!!

Front View

I asked my husband what he thought the perimeters should be when a guy rubs my back.

 

He touched the very center of my back and said, "Right there.  That's the limit."

I think he's anti-research.

Peer Parking

Last week I met a friend for lunch at her workplace.  She does research in a huge science laboratory supported financially by a private endowment.  The building takes up several city blocks and is full of sculptures, paintings and fountains.

I managed to find the parking garage,  but then I realized that a badge was necessary to park on certain levels.  Signs were up directing traffic to the appropriate area.

I knew where I needed to go.

Playing Telephone

Last night I called a doctor about getting a drug ordered for my patient.  The day shift nurse had attempted to get the medication ordered but had no success.  After arguing with me for a few minutes, the physcian said, "Okay, fine!  She can have it, then!"

I said, "Great!  Are you going to put that order in?"

He said, "I, uhh--I'm not near a computer.  Can you do it?"

I said, "I'm not, either."

He said, "I'm placing a central line."

I said, "I'm coding a patient."

He said, "I'm resecting a brain tumor."

I said, "I'm fighting ninjas."

He said, "I'm performing open-heart surgery."

I said, "I'm taking off in the space shuttle."

I said, "Losing you...zzzzzzkk...can't hear...zzzzzkk...put in order....zzzzkk..."

All communication was lost then.  I guess he didn't understand, because he didn't put the order in. 

I waited an hour and paged the oncoming resident to put it in.

Reception is so sketchy out there in space.

English Lesson

I often hear my co-workers complain about patients who don't speak English.   But, I talk to nurses every day who don't speak English very well.

When studying a foreign language, you learn practical phrases like, "Where's the bathroom?" and, "Please give me two boiled eggs."  They never teach you how to say, "Did your great-aunt on your mother's side plant anemone along her back terrace?"

Here some common English phrases that need their usage clarified:

"Hi, how are you?"  (HY' hauw-r-u)  This is a commonly misunderstood phrase, commonly confused with, "I give a shit about your personal issues and I want to hear your woes."  That is an inaccurate translation.  "Hi, how are you?" means, "Hello".  The correct response in English is: "Fine!  How are you?"

"Well" (WE' ul')   If you have diarrhea of the glottis and you are rambling mindlessly on and the glassy-eyed person in front of you says, "Well"  it DOES NOT indicate agreement.   "Well," is actually a contraction.  The uncontracted version is: "When will he shut the hell up?"  

 "Huh" (HU')  "Huh" is Latin.  It means, "I heard you."  That's all it means.


Communication is a two-way street, though.  Lots of people don't know how to listen.  If a friend starts telling you about his wife cheating on him, his mother dying of cancer or his house being repossessed, do this:  sit still with your eyes fixed on him.  Nod occasionally.  Keep your mouth shut.  DO NOT offer any advice, criticism or comments.  Do not text, phone anyone or look around. 

See below.

Now, you're a great listener!

The Ivory Tower

Nursing has its very own Ivory Tower.  Staff nurses toil away in the Tower's shadow; missives come from high above to guide our nursing practice. 

At the top of the tower is one tiny peephole, which allows a few beams of sunlight in at 11:47 a.m. 

The rest of the time the Tower is in darkness.

Seven Dwarfettes

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is the story of a teenage girl who doesn't get along with her stepmother, runs off and moves in with seven single men.  

I don't agree with reading that kind of thing to children.  But, women read Fifty Shades of Grey in public, so I guess I don't know.

But, I digress--after Snow White married Prince Charming and was carried off into the sunset, all of the Seven Dwarfs got married.  Yep, every one of them found his own dwarfette!

Each of their relationships had challenges, though.  Each of their challenges mirror issues that persist between men and women today. 

See is you can match each of the Seven Dwarfettes to her respective husbands, and if you recognize the problem in their relationships. 

Remember, the Seven Dwarfs were Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey and Happy.  

1.  Bitchy

2.  Dizzy (this is her third marriage)

3.  Dolly

4.  Shy

5.  Dreamy

6.  Jolly

7.  Silly

Answers:

1.  Bitchy/Grumpy

2.  Dizzy/Sneezy

3.  Dolly/Doc

4.  Shy/Bashful

5.  Dreamy/Sleepy

6.  Jolly/Happy

7.  Silly/Dopey

So, how did you do?