Scene: Late night in a large urban center. The camera zooms in on Our Hero, Derek, RN, driving a black truck down a silent suburban street. The Dixie Chicks are playing loudly, causing the truck's windows to vibrate. Close up of Our Hero singing along with the divas.
Flashing red and blue lights illuminate the interior of the truck, a police siren sounds. Our Hero pulls over.
Police Officer #1 is a stoutish man with a mustache the color and shape of a hedgehog. He approaches the truck with a flashlight held over his head interrogator-style. Derek rolls his window down, trying to appear cooperative. He debates what his facial expression should be. Should he smile? Or act annoyed?
Police Officer #1: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Our Hero Derek, RN: (on to their game--they are fishing, never volunteer anything like, "Uhhh, the body in my trunk?") No, I really don't.
Police officer #1: (shining his flashlight into the interior of the vehicle) You have a tail light out.
Our Hero Derek, RN: (relieved) Oh. I didn't--
Police officer #1: (continuing to play the light around the truck's interior) Are you aware that it is illegal to operate a motor vehicle without the proper safety equipment?
Our Hero Derek, RN: Well, yes, but--
Police Officer #1: (his light falls on drawings partially concealed in the passenger seat) What's that?
Our Hero Derek, RN: What?
Police Officer #1: That! Right there!
Our Hero Derek, RN: (jumps slightly, looks) Uhh--
Police Officer #1: Don't act like you don't see it! Don't try to con me!
Our Hero Derek, RN: (playing for time, thinking, "shitshitshitshitshitshitshit") Oh, this?
Police Officer #1: (abruptly drawing his .45 caliber slide action stainless steel handgun that substitutes for a penis and pointing it directly at Our Hero Derek's face) Freeze! Freeze!
Our Hero Derek, RN: Uhhh--
Police Officer #1: Get your hands where I can see them!
Our Hero Derek, RN: (cautiously placing both hands on the steering wheel) Officer--
Police Officer #1: I'm on to you! I'm on to you! Get 'em up!
Our Hero Derek, RN: (raising both hands in the air, nervous about having the muzzle of a gun shaking wildly three inches from his face) I think--
Police Officer #1: (activates his radio with one hand, his eyes never leaving the perpetrator) Station, station 1-9, I have a 4-9-2-6 in progress, repeat 4-9-9-6, suspect held at 7-5-2-4-6-1-1, I am 9-2-2-6-4, requesting immediate backup, 2-5-5-9-7-1-6, over.
Radio makes crackling noises, we hear a woman's voice (she is obviously chewing gum): Roger that, 7-2-3-3. Backup on the way, over.
Our Hero Derek, RN: Sir--
Police Officer #1: (screaming now) I said freeze! Keep your hands where I can see them!
Helicopters are heard loudly approaching overhead. Jeeps, tanks and humvees come roaring onto the scene, knocking over mailboxes and swingsets. Doors are kicked open. Rangers, National Guardsmen and Navy Seals swarm out. The 101st Airborne Division parachutes down. Uniformed troops go running everywhichaway, securing the perimeter, their M-16's drawn Elian Gonzalez-style.
Their captain leaps into view, his muscled legs in wide stance, blonde hair blowing dramatically. As soon as he comes on camera, his shirt is caught on a tree limb and ripped off, leaving him naked from the waist up. The camera pans sloooooooowly up from his shiny boots, lingering on his bulging crotch, his muscled chest and his glinting blue eyes. The Captain is gripping a light anti-tank weapon.
Captain: (smashing two trash cans out of his way to clear a path) Out of the car! Get out of the car!
Our Hero Derek, RN's neighbors are waking up and coming outside to see what all the commotion is about, rubbing their eyes sleepily.
Our Hero Derek, RN: (shell shocked) Uhhh--
Captain: I said GET OUT OF THE CAR!! NOW!!! NOW!!!
Our Hero Derek, RN: (groping for the door handle) Okay, okay--
Police Officer #2: (drives up recklessly on a motorcycle, nearly running over an anorexic woman in a thong. He vaults off the motorcycle, gun drawn. He is a Hispanic male with high, chiseled cheekbones) Ay-Yi-Yi! You! You een zee truck! Keep your hands ver vee can zee zem!
Police Officer #1: Get 'em up! Get 'em up!
Our Hero Derek, RN: (freezes, confused) Uhhh--
Captain: I said, GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE, ASSHOLE!!
Police Officer #3: (runs up wearing a gas mask, his voice is muffled by the filters) KEEP YOUR HANDS--
Police Officer #1: UP! UP!
Our Hero Derek, RN: Do you want me to open the door or keep my hands up? Or crawl out of the window?
Police Officer #4: (swaggers on camera, he is 6'6' and weighs about 230) A wiseguy, huh? (he rips the door off the truck and throws it aside. It narrowly misses decapitating a skinny kid in a leather jacket.)
A little girl in footed pajamas ventures closer, sucking her thumb. She is clutching a stuffed purple rabbit.
Our Hero Derek, RN hesitates. Police Officer #4 grabs him by his scruff and throws him out of the vehicle. Our Hero Derek is slammed onto the cold concrete. Police Officer #4 jams a knee in Our Hero Derek's back and handcuffs him.
The crowd presses closer. Two local television crews arrive, along with ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, the Weather Channel and Animal Planet.
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: (saunters onstage, he looks like Jon Hamm in a trench coat) Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Police Officer #1: Look in his truck! You won't believe it!
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: (gesturing towards the cab of the truck) Search it.
Our Hero Derek, RN, his mouth smashed into the concrete, mumbles something that sounds like, "search warrant", but everyone ignores him. Thirty-two helicopters are circling overhead, their searchlights glaring across everyone below. News anchors are facing their respective cameramen and talking importantly. Makeup crews and hairstylists stand by.
Police Officer #3: (fishing around inside the truck) My God! (he holds up the drawings like a trophy)
An old lady faints dead away.
Police Officer #4: What is the world coming to?
Police Officer #1: You sick bastard.
Captain: You need serious help.
Police Officer #2: (handing Detective Lieutenant Sergeant the drawings) Here you are, zir.
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: (casually looking through them) Well, well...
Police Officer #2: We've got you now, you pervert!
A chubby Hispanic boy pushes closer, craning his head to get a better look.
Police Officer #4: Hey, didn't we have this guy on John TV last week?
An audible gasp is heard from the assembled crowd, mothers pull their children protectively closer.
Police Officer #3: (nudges Our Hero Derek, RN with the toe of his combat boot) Hey, wiseguy! Were you that guy on John TV that we busted last week?
Our Hero Derek: Wha--
Police Officer #1: It's him. I'm sure of it.
Police Officer #3: (gestures to the drawings) This proves it!
Captain: Look at that shit!
Police Officer #2: Now I've zeen everyzing!
Police Officer #4: What a world!
Police Officer #1: I swear.
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: (shakes his head ruefully, then adopts a, "you can confide in me" tone) Well, bucko, you're busted. There's no way out. You may as well talk.
Our Hero Derek, RN: But--
Police Officer #3: Shut your hole when Detective Lieutenant Sergeant is talking to you!
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: How do you explain this? (thrusts the drawings down close to Our Hero Derek, RN's face)
Our Hero Derek, RN: Officer--
Police Officer #4: Well, asshole? What do you have to say?
Our Hero Derek, RN: I--
Police Officer #3: Yeah, how're you gonna talk your way out of this?
Our Hero Derek, RN: It's--
Police Officer #2: Are you gonna talk?
Our Hero Derek, RN: There was--
Police Officer #4: I'll bet he just lawyers-up.
Our Hero Derek, RN: When--
Police Officer #2: Zat's bullsheet.
Our Hero Derek, RN: What I--
Police Officer #1: Let's beat it out of him.
Our Hero Derek, RN: Where the--
Police Officer #3: Yeah!
Our Hero Derek,RN: Guys--
Police Officers #5, #6, #7, #8 and #9 come running onto the scene carrying a taser, a hockey stick, an enema bag, a riding crop, 2" nails, a jackhammer and a tub of jello.
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: (kneeling down) Last chance, son. One way or another, you are gonna talk.
Our Hero Derek, RN: (rapidly, desperately) I work with this nurse--
Police Officer #1: Right.
Police Officer #3: I'll bet.
Police Officer #2: Just hit him.
Police Officer #4: Can we use the saw?
Our Hero Derek, RN: She likes to draw--
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: (listening intently, holds his hand up for silence. All talk, screeching tires, sirens and rotating helicopter blades abruptly fall silent) What?
Our Hero Derek, RN: She draws these pictures...
Police Officer #4: Is her name Camille?
Police Officer #2: Camille Smith?
Our Hero Derek, RN: (thinking he has misunderstood) Huh?
Police Officer #3: It IS Camille!
Police Officer #1: (looking closer at the drawings, passing them around) Oh, yeah!
Police Officer #7: That's right! That is Camille's work!
Police Officer #6: Did you see the, "Camille Goes to Hell" painting?
Police Officer #1: That was amazing! Truly groundbreaking!
Detective Lieutenant Sergeant: I like her early work best.
Police Officer #9: The post-modern stuff?
Police Officer #8: I think I would describe it more as, "surrealism".
Police Officer #7: It's not surrealism if it was done before Monet.
Police Officer #5: Oh, yeah? What about Picasso?
Police Officer #3: Yeah, what about him?
Captain: I think that Picasso is officially considered an Impressionist.
Old black lady with frizzy white hair: I have prints of all of Camille's blue period.
Little girl with the stuffed rabbit: I like her purple period better.
Woman with hard black hair, pierced lip and neck tattoo: Her cubism is amazing.
Little redheaded boy in Sesame Street underpants: She really mastered chiaroscuro.
Pimply boy in a dirty, "Satan Lives In Me" T-shirt: I have always found her work a bit derivative.
Man with molesterstache: Baroque is her weakest style.
Wholesome brunette mother with small child: Her perspective improved after her show in Milan.
Smelly obese man in electric wheelchair: The perspective was intentionally off, you idiot!
Anorexic woman in a thong: It was part of her gestalt.
Toothless woman with dangling cigarette: She was trying to demonstrate through art how the world is off-kilter.
Balding myopic man in thick glasses: That perspective is not to be trusted.
Infant in mother's arms (plucking the pacifier out of his mouth): Her work on perspective is part of her genius.
The art critique turns to Fauvism versus Realism. Lawn chairs are brought out. Soldiers and helicopter pilots sit down next to women in curlers and little girls in Barbie nightgowns. Coffee is passed around . The baby takes a cup.
Police Officer #3 is drinking coffee, when suddenly he laughs ruefully and slaps his leg. He gets up and walks over to Our Hero Derek, RN who is still lying prone in the street. Police Officer #3 removes the handcuffs from Our Hero Derek, RN, then walks back to his chair, sits down and reaches for his coffee.
The chubby Hispanic boy picks up an M-60 machine gun that has been dropped on the sidewalk. He glances around quickly, then carries it off stage left.
Camera pulls back. Our Hero Derek, RN pushes himself shakily to his feet, his face smeared with blood. Blood is spattered down the front of his shirt. Close up of him lifting a hand to his broken nose. Our Hero Derek, RN staggers off stage right.
Final close up of Police Officers #4 and #3 walking back to their patrol car. The first light of dawn is streaking the sky.
Police Officer #3: (chuckles ruefully) I left a woman being raped and stabbed to respond to this.
Police Officer #4: Yeah? Well, I left a robbery-turned-triple-homicide.
Police Officer #3: Oh, well.
Police Officer #4: Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Police Officer #3: Yeah.
Police Officer #4: Yeah.
(beat)
Police Officer #3: Wanna get a doughnut?
Big Chief is many moons removed from spirit guide.
ReplyDeletePeace pipe no longer provide quiet mind.
Big Chief see airbrushed Grey Wolf shirt and Dreamcatcher at mall and make great rivers in eyes.
Big Chief see this blog and feel somewhat better.